Friday, August 10, 2007

Humor Provided To You By Your Children

As you all know, from time to time I have "issues" with my children. They stress me out, make me cry, make me proud and from time to time really make me laugh. The following story is "one" of those times!

The BORING part of the story!

My eldest son who is now 21 has decided to move to Virginia where his best friend and girlfriend moved last fall. He flew down at the beginning of July, loved it and even spoke to a potential employer while there. This is huge for him. He showed real forethought and I am proud. He had to fly back down for a face-to-face interview with said employer. All went well, they practically handed him the job. Proud Mama! He even set up an apartment while down there and signed a lease.

OH, boy things were going so well, until the Employer informed my child he would need to take a drug test within 48 hrs of returning home to NH. He would not pass. I know my child. We (yes me too) called all over the State trying to find the "JUNK" (pee-test altering stuff), we finally found it, for $50.00. Off he went to take the test. The results were not available for 48 hrs and that took it over last weekend. Finally on Monday the clinic called and his urine was so diluted and corrupted it was unreadable and he had to retest.

The FUNNY part of the story!
Number one son, being a very bright boy decided to ask his brother to pee in a condom for him and he would strap to his leg to keep it warm (yes they check the temperature). Well younger brother came up short and couldn't give enough of a sample (hey, at least he tried). Oldest child then called a "BUDDY" (that must be some kind of friend) and asked him to meet him in the Mall and perform the same scenario as he had asked of younger brother. This guy performed up to snuff. Eldest child then taped the filled condom to his scrotum (to keep it warm) and headed to the Clinic.

It has been very hot and very humid here in New Hampshire lately. Humidity and tape don't mix as the Eldest discovered and he found said "package" loose in his BVD's. Eldest never wears BVD's, always a boxer boy. Lucky for him that day he thought ahead. As he was walking down the hall of the clinic to the bathroom with the Nurse right behind him it started to slip down his leg.

He finally reached the door and closed it quickly behind and breathed a sigh of relief. He had also thought ahead enough to store a thumbtack under his tongue to puncture the "package". While the package was wandering about in his BVDs it had lost significant heat that would be noticed by the nurse waiting outside the door. My very bright and anxious son realized he must warm up the PEE... so.......

He stuck the condom full of someone elses pee in his mouth to warm it up!

NO I am not kidding! I don't think I will ever get over giggling about this one. This will be forever discussed at inopportune moments for the rest of his life.

It makes me think of an old song about a Man and his Boy..

Bobby Goldsboro- Watching $#@% Grow! "THAT'S MY BOY"

P.S. IT worked.. he got the job and is moving next week.
Happy Friday everyone!


dive said...

Hee hee hee!
Oh, Prudence that is SO FUNNY!
Thank you for making my Friday worthwhile.
I'll still be laughing on Monday.

Dear Prudence said...

What did you say? I can't understand you with that thing in your mouth. I have already used that one! LOL Have a great weekend.

Vic said...

mmm glmm bllmph brbblllmm

Vic said...


Vic said...

That's better.

Truly resourceful. At least they didn't take a mouth swab as well!

zirelda said...

Oh My Everlovin Word. LOL!

Good job Eldest Son!

M.Benaut said...

Resourceful indeed. Hope your son enjoys the job and that it doesn't involve intricate use of motor skills at critical moments! Mme B. xx

Maria said...

Wow. I wear a pain patch for my sciatica and every few months they require me to pee in a cup just so that they can see that I actually have the meds in my pee and am not selling said patches on the street.

I'm always worried that my pee won't have ENOUGH meds in it.

Maria said...

And btw...I am reading David Sedaris and I swear this post sounds like one of his essays.....:)

Rich said...

Funny story geez what an ordeal but he pulled it off. Maybe he will change his lifestyle because said employer may do random urine check at any given notice then He may be in BIG trouble. Let's hope not.

Maria - I'm rereading David Sedaris -"Someday I talk pretty" it's such a fun read.

Kate Isis said...

Over here when you do a drug test for work they watch you do it so no shortcuts are allowed.
Your boy is luckey, learning to pee in front of somebody is definately not high on my list of achievements.

Dear Prudence said...

Vic, Yes he is resourceful to say the least. He is lucky in many ways believe me.

The Co. he is going to work for only does an entry test so he can and I am sure will continue to smoke.

Z & Mme: he is a salesman and is truly in every sense of the word. I always told him he should either be a lawyer or salesman with his mastery of B. S.

Rich, Maria and Kate: glad I have never had to learn to pee in front of someone. I have seen mention of David S. several times now and guess I will pick up a copy myself. I can always use a good chuckle.

Old Knudsen said...

wow you must be um so proud, he'll be the best airline pilot ever.